moraled | week five, saturday

[He gets it, of course. While Barnham...still wouldn't hesitate to give his life for the sake of Noct, or Percy, or anyone here who deserves a better life than this, he knows that this isn't how this game works. He won't be given the chance to do so. He won't be able to fling his life away and save someone else's.

It would just...be him flinging his life away.

That's all there is to it. And he can't do that. Noct needs him. Percy needs him. Papika, and even Shinnosuke and Jason and Natalie all need someone who can be there for them, even if he's been ineffectual so far.

So he can't die, and he knows it.

He takes a slow breath, and nods, expression mostly tired.

He can't die, but that doesn't make the death of everything he's ever believed in any easier.]

I won't die.

I intend to see this through to the end... regardless what the end might be.

[He's braced for the worst.

But he's hoping for the best. Somehow, even with his hope battered and bruised... he's hoping.]

I...

[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to find the words. not out of hesitation, but out of a need to convey himself the right way.

he's trying.

he's trying so damn hard, because they've lost and are continuing to lose so much. and noct knows that he's failed people a lot by not living up a title that most people don't even know he has.

he has to do better.]

Sorry.

[it's a subdued apology, quiet and earnest—undoubtedly full of all the regrets he harbors and is trying to put aside for the sake of someone else.

of everyone else, really.]

I know it's asking a lot. [to tell him to stay alive, when he's known for weeks that this isn't something they can choose at all.] And I know... that it's hard.

[he knows that barnham is suffering—far, far more than he is right now. he knows that, so to come in here and ask something so weighted of him probably isn't fair at all.]

No.

[Barnham takes a slow breath, and draws himself up. He's a knight. He's the captain of the knights of the inquisition of his beloved city, Labyrinthia. It might be over now--he might never be going back to that--but he won't cave and he won't crumble here.

He might shatter into a thousand pieces, but he would rather that than giving up.

He can't ever give up on this.

Darklaw had told him that he lacked resolve. Well in this--he won't lack resolve.

He can't.]

... Noctis, you have done nothing wrong. And you have not asked too much of me. [He meets Noct's eyes firmly, nodding.]

I give you my word as a knight of Labyrinthia--I shall do everything in my power to see this through to the end. [With Noct looking so broken and so sad, when he's trying so hard to be a good prince--isn't that all Barnham can do?] Never shall I waver here.

[Not once.]

I guess...

Tonight's a night where I'm thinking about all the things people back home said to me. So many of them... they're important right now.

[it's a strange way to acknowledge what barnham is saying—and there's definite relief to hearing barnham say that.

but he thinks that right now, barnham needs it more than he does. noct is broken and sad, without a doubt. he was broken and sad before he even stepped foot into this place. this entire time, he's been trying to find his resolve to be better and stronger, to be the person he needs to be for everyone else.

because what he wants to be for himself has never mattered. not with his position, not with his duty. he knows he's been selfish, been childish, been unable to do things right.

that changes now.

so he straightens, and though he expression is still incredibly somber, he repeats the last words he ever heard from his father before leaving insomnia.]

Walk tall, my friend.

[...Walk...tall.

It's clear the words mean something to Noct. Beyond the actual words themselves, there's weight to them that Barnham can't entirely grasp. They mean something to him that he's heard, something from someone back home, just as he said.

They're important as well.

He slowly takes a deep breath, and he straights his shoulders as well, meeting Noct's eyes squarely.

He's failed in so many ways, both back home and here.

But that doesn't mean that he can't take this advice--that he shouldn't take it. Rather... he has to, doesn't he? If he gives up now, then he's only giving up on what really matters. He knows his looks ridiculous, with his hair mussed and dark circles under his eyes, with a cup of noodles in his hand, but--

He straightens anyway, and nods.

Walk tall.]

I...shall refuse to do anything else.

[Walk tall.]

Both of us--we are still here. This is now our duty.

Yeah.

[if nothing else, noct will explain himself. he doesn't expect for barnham to understand. but he wants the connotations to be as fully understood as he can.]

My dad. The last time I saw him... that's what he said to me.

[it's tough for him to talk about, even now. but he thinks... maybe barnham could benefit from it, even if he's already trying to straighten up a bit.]

He... he knew I'd probably never see him again. And he never told me... I didn't think it meant anything back then, just. You know dad stuff. But...

[his gaze focuses, evening out a bit. it's difficult, but he can handle this aspect of things.] I get it now. And he was right. Keeping our heads up, our shoulders square. Doing the right thing for the people who can't do these things themselves.

...That's our job, right? A knight and a prince. To protect civilians... we have to walk tall, even when it really, really sucks to do.

[and it does. it sucks. he doesn't even call himself a king even though short of a coronation, that's exactly what he is.

it's fine.

they just need to carry on, even if they're in pain. the pain won't go away, and noct's not going to pretend it will for either of them. but there are still things left to be done. they still have a chance to save everyone, so they can't squander it.]

[The last words... of a king to a prince, and a father to a son. He's quiet for a long moment, considering that. It's their duty, just as Noct's said. To protect civilians, even when the situation is so stacked against them they can barely do anything. It's their duty even when they feel like they're crumbling.

It's their duty.

So they can't fall.

They must walk tall.

There was never any other option. Slowly, Barnham takes a deep breath, and then he lifts his fork and tries some of the soup. It tastes...strange. Foreign. It's nothing like he's ever tasted before but... it's something Noct brought, to bring him comfort, and he treasures that.]

Indeed. This is our duty. More than anything--tis our duty to protect everyone else here. Tis the duty we cannot forsake--no matter what.

[No matter how much it hurts.

He's quiet again for a moment, and then breathes out a wry breath.]

Thank you, Noctis. I believe...that was a sorely needed reminder.

[at least noct knows already how much it hurts. he's more than aware of that, which is why he's here right now.

and it's why he's saying these words.

in truth, noct does need to hear a bit of it for himself; he needs that reminder as well—though it's getting easier to listen to duty now. the stakes have gotten so high that he knows he really can't shirk even the smallest bit of his duty now.]

You... really don't have to thank me for this.

[because...]

I think I needed to hear it too.

... That you, too, needed the reminder does not lessen the fact that I owe you gratitude for it.

[Just accept it, Noct, Barnham's proper about these things.

As proper as can be.

Still... even if the atmosphere is still oppressive and he's still overwhelmed, he feels a little bit like it'll be okay.

They'll be okay. At least...they have a goal.]

... We shall be fine. [Both of them.

They'll carry on.]

Of this... I am certain.

[it's definitely too proper for his liking right now, but he knows there's really no stopping barnham anyway.

maybe he should just let the tension drain from his shoulders a bit and just...

well, slump.

he's exhausted in every single way, and while he has things he wants to tell barnham, now isn't the time for that. another day, assuming they have it—in the coming week, once they've had time to pick themselves up and move forward.]

Yeah.

[they have a goal, and noct already has some ideas and things he's interested in pursuing soon enough.]

This game... we'll find the way to end it.

[It's a start.

It's a good start, because right now, Barnham is equally exhausted. His faith in what's right has been shaken pretty badly over the past few weeks; even Russell, it turns out, killed someone.

So for now, he breathes out slowly, and he nods in response to Noct's words and he takes another bite of his weird, foreign soup, and he tries to remember how to breathe.

Constantine's going to jump up and curl up next to Noct, because he's a dog and pretty smart--he's been affected by the atmosphere too.

But as for Barnham... he just takes a moment to breathe.]

... This is still a town of good people. Nothing...that has happened can change that fact.

It simply has been...set up to break us, all along. And thus--I shall not allow it to change how I feel about those who are here.

[...]

Or those who are gone.

[noct is definitely okay with his canine company, taking time to pet constantine while he and barnham keep discussing this situation.]

That's... probably why it was like this at all, wasn't it? The people here, being good people, people who don't want to do that.

[not that he's inclined to believe everyone is wholly altruistic. they'd heard about people like simon, and the fact there were independent killers doing things outside of what the game required was telling enough of that.

but noctis does believe that the majority were good, and cornered into doing the worst. and he believes the majority of the people remain are just the same.

it's unfair, so barnham has a point in not letting it cloud their view entirely.]

Kind of feels like some sick irony or something.

Yes, I believe that is the case.

[As much as it sucks--he believes that they were chosen because it would make for greater "entertainment". He knows full well that they're better because they break...

But he hates to acknowledge it.

Acknowledging it would be accepting this little game, and he can't do that.]

... The realization does not help us much, I will admit. Even so, we must still deal with the crimes that have been committed.

But...perhaps there is room for compassion, amidst the honor we carry ourselves with.

[They may be murderers, but... everyone has been put into a corner, haven't they? Barnham grimaces--this sort of grey thinking is hard for him.]

None of it is just, right? We have to... just figure out for ourselves how we can do this. To.... figure out what's really right and wrong here.

[that grey sense of morality is tough for noctis, too. he's a good person, a person who doesn't want to see people die.

but if someone is having the safety of their entire world threatened, hinging on whether or not they pull the trigger on someone else, where does that fall? it's still wrong to kill that person, but if it's also saving millions of lives...

is it okay to take someone else's?

if they go on the belief that they'll find a way to reverse this, will that make it better?

they're questions that noctis doesn't have the answers to either, so it's not as if he can fault barnham for feeling just the same.]

I guess... it's kind of a good exercise is knowing things aren't always as black and white as they seem.

[that's kind of the lesson he's taking away from this, because even back home, weren't there people who'd do the same? of course there were.]

[It's definitely far from an easy thing to understand. Barnham knows. He's been wrestling with all of this from day one, and now...

Well, now what is he supposed to do with this? Noctis is struggling with it, but Barnham has no answers, much as he wish he could give him something that would make him feel better.

He sighs.]

That is...certainly one way to look at it.

[Wryly:]

Though I think the point could have been proven in a much simpler and less bloody way.

For us, maybe.

[for them it would be like that. for most people, in general...

that's how it would be. and noctis knows that. he knows barnham does too, but he shakes his head.]

Wouldn't work for them, though. The ones running this.

No, I suppose it would not. Or we would not be here.

[It's exhausting... knowing that people are watching them at their worst and getting their kicks from it. Barnham almost can't comprehend it.]

... But we are. We are here... so all there is is to make what we can of the situation that has been given to us.

Right. We just need to... keep looking for a way. We can't give up now, too much has happened.

[that part, he's certain of. no matter how much it hurts, they can't give up on finding the solution to this problem.

even if the odds are stacked against them completely—noctis can't give up, and he's not going to let barnham give up, either.]

[... It's true. They can't give up now. It would be disrespectful to the memories of those who are already dead, killed in the line of this wretched game.

He breathes in.

And out.

And nods, simply.]

Yes.

We must. No matter what, we must not stop moving forward. That... is something I do truly believe in.

Yeah, me too.

[isn't that exactly why he's here to begin with? because he wanted to check on barnham, and he wanted to affirm that much for them both.

that they can't give up, that they can't wallow in their misery.

but there's not much more to be said about that—still, there's one more thing noctis needs to ask.]

...You mind if I stick around here tonight?

[He hesitates--but it's only for a moment. In truth, he is beginning to believe that he shouldn't be sharing a room with anyone; it's clear that it doesn't offer him any more chance to protect them.

But.

He can't deny Noct. He's flat out asking if he can stay, and Barnham knows that he's hurting over Sara's confession and soon to come death as well. With that in mind, what can he do but nod?

So nod he does, accepting.]

You are more than welcome, Young Noctis.

[And he has to admit:]

Perhaps it would be for the better to not be alone.

For tonight, yeah. Think... it would definitely be better.

[he's hurting, but barnham is well likely hurting more. being alone after losing two roommates and... well, whatever sara was to him—

(he's not going to ask for the details of their kissing adventures)

barnham shouldn't be alone.]

Don't really feel like going back to my own room anyway. [he's dealt with ash enough already for one day.]

... Quite understandable.

[ASH........

Barnham is blissfully ignorant to the fact that noct even knows about those kissing adventures.]

You are always welcome here, though I cannot assure you I shall always be better company.

[noct plans on keeping it that way... he kind of wishes he hadn't been privy to that information if only for sara's choice in wording.

but, you know. it's fine...]

I know the bar's low when Ash is my roommate, but come on. [pretty much anything is better than that.

...but hey, at least noct still retains at least a little of his humor, right?]

[That sass is honestly good to see.

At least Noct hasn't lost that in the horribleness of this town.]

Well, I certainly could not presume to speak on it. He seems to avoid me most of the time.

[Aside from, you know, when he's accusing him of murder??]

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