moraled | week five, saturday

[his plan for the night was always to come see barnham after taking crae of everything else he needed to. some things were more successful than others, but either way?

he doesn't want to be in his room. he wants to see barnham and...

try to be better than he's been. try to bring him something, some kind of assurance, some kind of... anything. he's been a shitty prince, a shitty king... he can't even do a thing to save even a single civilian from harm, and he can't bring solace to a knight or a friend.

so he'll do what he's done for other friends—after spending time in the kitchen, he'll come back up to barnham's door with a container of cup noodles already filled with steaming water before using his free hand to knock gently on the door.

he probably doesn't want company, but... he has to do something, regardless.]

[He sure doesn't want company, but this place is pro at giving him the exact opposite of what he wants. At the knock, he very slowly lifts his head, and... when he speaks up, his voice is a little gruff, and his hair is still disheveled from running his fingers through it.

But if someone requires him at this moment, he can't turn them away.

It just is something he can't accept.]

... Come in.

[he gets it. barnham sounds as haggard as he feels, but it doesn't stop noct from opening the door and letting himself in.

noct doesn't look any better, either. he's long since wiped away any tears that came from the despair of this situation, but his eyes are still puffy and red. his hair is equally disheveled—uncharacteristic from how much he tries to maintain it, normally.

worse now than usual, since it hasn't been cut in weeks and it shows. but still... he tries his best to offer what he can.]

I... brought something to eat.

[it's comfort food, it's not really substantial as a balanced meal—but right now, that doesn't matter. sometimes, you just need a warm bowl of noodles to stick your face in and embrace the sodium-laden comfort it brings.]

...Ah.

[He's not hungry, of course, but one look at Noct and his disheveled appearance has Barnham biting his tongue.

He can't in good conscience send Noct away, not when he looks like that and has to be hurting unimaginably himself. As for Barnham... well, he almost feels a little numb.

He nods to Noct.]

... That is... much appreciated. [Since he's gotta just...accept that--it's not like he isn't grateful for Noct's efforts, even if it feels like a rather large effort to feel anything at all.]

You'll.... feel a little better after eating it.

[he knows. he knows and understands all too well that barnham probably isn't hungry. he wasn't either, even though he'd forced himself to eat before coming upstairs—enough to be able to show his face here and...

well, try to be better, for barnham's sake.

there are words that are ringing in his ears, words that come from a place of deep, deep tragedy and loss. but they're also ones that at a time like this, he may need to say, not just for himself, but for barnham too.

he doesn't repeat them just yet—instead he takes a seat, keeping his gaze focused on his hands.]

[... Right. Better. "Better" is relative, after all. It probably won't be hard to feel much better than he is right now, all things considered.

But he accepts the food.

It's peculiar to him, and for a moment, there's a flicker of puzzlement as he peers at the cup noodles. Huh......]

... Honestly, even now, you are attempting to take care of me.

[Noct, please!!]

You, too, are hurting.

[It's written all over Noct's face.]

[trust in the noodles, barnham.]

...Yeah.

[he's not going to deny it. he can't deny it, because he's already expended too much energy trying to push it away. he's cried, he's lashed out angrily—he's said and done more than one thing that definitely already...

doesn't sit too well with him.

but after a moment of silence, he'll finally repeat words that are clearly not his. they're recited from memory, burned in his brain as a reminder of what he is and what he needs to do.]

"She gave her life so you could do your duty, not so you could sit around feeling sorry for yourself."

[he doesn't say anything else yet, because even that is hard enough to say. gladio's tough love was something that always hit noct to his core, and it sucks even more than those words were once applied only to luna, but now... there's another use for them too.]

[...Ah.

There's not a huge reaction from Barnham; his shoulders twitch for a moment, but that's all the shock he betrays, even as he slowly draws in a deep breath of air.

Ah.

It's not entirely true. Sara gave her life to protect her children and due to a guilty conscience, and nothing more. It wasn't for Barnham, and not for his duty. But it's clear that Noct is reciting something he's heard before, and it's clear... the sentiment behind it as well.

Barnham's eyes narrow for a moment, before he clears his throat softly.

He can't sit around feeling sorry for himself, huh...?]

I will do my duty.

[It might break him into small, tiny pieces, but--]

I shall always do my duty.

[But he's admittedly not even certain the words are meant solely for him; he lifts his gaze to meet Noct's eyes, and:]

And you? [What will Noct do from here?]

[it's definitely far more the sentiment than the specific words in this context. and he gets it. no other situation could quite fit those words, because gladio has always known the words to say that get right under his skin. he doesn't mince them, he gets to the heart of the matter.

even when it hurts to hear.

and in that sense... he knows he's doing the same.]

I'm... not going to just sit around. [even though he can't say what he's going to do—he's still kind of trying to figure that part out as well.]

I can't call myself a king if I can even save a few people in a small place. I have to do better.

[no matter how much it hurts. no matter what the cost to his own life it may be. he's not going to sacrifice anyone else to meet that goal. but noctis is finding resolve even through his pain.

he'll allow himself to hurt, and he'll even allow himself this one night to mope. but beyond that, he's going to pick himself up and find a way. he hopes that barnham won't break. he hopes that barnham will do the same...

because there's nobody he's more worried for right now, to be certain.]

...I can't let it be in vain. [even if part of that came from sara trying to absolve herself of the guilt... still. he can't let these deaths be so meaningless and trivial.]

[Barnham looks at Noct at that for a long moment, as if analyzing him. The way he is now versus the way he was when they first met, the way that he speaks, the way that he holds himself.

It hurts, of course. He can tell how Noct's hurting.

But... he has some resolve. And that counts for something.

Hopefully, it will be enough to see Noct through to the end, and to keep Noct surviving. Which is what Barnham ultimately says, quietly, but nonetheless fervently:]

Then do not die.

The Lady Instructor-- that is... Sara wished for you to live, as many others here. That is a wish you can grant her.

[So that her death isn't in vain.]

I know.

[he responds, quietly. it's hard—it's incredibly hard to push those feelings back.

but he's needed. for the people who are still alive. for the people of his country—and his world—for his best friends. for barnham, too.

these people need him right? how can he ever hope to be half as good as his dad was as a leader if he can't propel himself forward?

"walk tall, my son," are the other words that ring in his ears like a shot. and remembering those words makes his breath catch in his throat for a moment. walk tall.

he has to walk tall. he has to be noctis lucis caelum, heir to the lucian throne, protector of the crystal and the people. and even if the people here are not his people, they need to be protected.

somehow.

he needs to protect them.]

You can't die either. [he's trying his best to told it together, because he knows it'll be worse for barnham if he's breaking right now. after all that's happened, and how devastated barnham clearly is... he needs to be the pillar of strength, somehow.]

[He gets it, of course. While Barnham...still wouldn't hesitate to give his life for the sake of Noct, or Percy, or anyone here who deserves a better life than this, he knows that this isn't how this game works. He won't be given the chance to do so. He won't be able to fling his life away and save someone else's.

It would just...be him flinging his life away.

That's all there is to it. And he can't do that. Noct needs him. Percy needs him. Papika, and even Shinnosuke and Jason and Natalie all need someone who can be there for them, even if he's been ineffectual so far.

So he can't die, and he knows it.

He takes a slow breath, and nods, expression mostly tired.

He can't die, but that doesn't make the death of everything he's ever believed in any easier.]

I won't die.

I intend to see this through to the end... regardless what the end might be.

[He's braced for the worst.

But he's hoping for the best. Somehow, even with his hope battered and bruised... he's hoping.]

I...

[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to find the words. not out of hesitation, but out of a need to convey himself the right way.

he's trying.

he's trying so damn hard, because they've lost and are continuing to lose so much. and noct knows that he's failed people a lot by not living up a title that most people don't even know he has.

he has to do better.]

Sorry.

[it's a subdued apology, quiet and earnest—undoubtedly full of all the regrets he harbors and is trying to put aside for the sake of someone else.

of everyone else, really.]

I know it's asking a lot. [to tell him to stay alive, when he's known for weeks that this isn't something they can choose at all.] And I know... that it's hard.

[he knows that barnham is suffering—far, far more than he is right now. he knows that, so to come in here and ask something so weighted of him probably isn't fair at all.]

No.

[Barnham takes a slow breath, and draws himself up. He's a knight. He's the captain of the knights of the inquisition of his beloved city, Labyrinthia. It might be over now--he might never be going back to that--but he won't cave and he won't crumble here.

He might shatter into a thousand pieces, but he would rather that than giving up.

He can't ever give up on this.

Darklaw had told him that he lacked resolve. Well in this--he won't lack resolve.

He can't.]

... Noctis, you have done nothing wrong. And you have not asked too much of me. [He meets Noct's eyes firmly, nodding.]

I give you my word as a knight of Labyrinthia--I shall do everything in my power to see this through to the end. [With Noct looking so broken and so sad, when he's trying so hard to be a good prince--isn't that all Barnham can do?] Never shall I waver here.

[Not once.]

I guess...

Tonight's a night where I'm thinking about all the things people back home said to me. So many of them... they're important right now.

[it's a strange way to acknowledge what barnham is saying—and there's definite relief to hearing barnham say that.

but he thinks that right now, barnham needs it more than he does. noct is broken and sad, without a doubt. he was broken and sad before he even stepped foot into this place. this entire time, he's been trying to find his resolve to be better and stronger, to be the person he needs to be for everyone else.

because what he wants to be for himself has never mattered. not with his position, not with his duty. he knows he's been selfish, been childish, been unable to do things right.

that changes now.

so he straightens, and though he expression is still incredibly somber, he repeats the last words he ever heard from his father before leaving insomnia.]

Walk tall, my friend.

[...Walk...tall.

It's clear the words mean something to Noct. Beyond the actual words themselves, there's weight to them that Barnham can't entirely grasp. They mean something to him that he's heard, something from someone back home, just as he said.

They're important as well.

He slowly takes a deep breath, and he straights his shoulders as well, meeting Noct's eyes squarely.

He's failed in so many ways, both back home and here.

But that doesn't mean that he can't take this advice--that he shouldn't take it. Rather... he has to, doesn't he? If he gives up now, then he's only giving up on what really matters. He knows his looks ridiculous, with his hair mussed and dark circles under his eyes, with a cup of noodles in his hand, but--

He straightens anyway, and nods.

Walk tall.]

I...shall refuse to do anything else.

[Walk tall.]

Both of us--we are still here. This is now our duty.

Yeah.

[if nothing else, noct will explain himself. he doesn't expect for barnham to understand. but he wants the connotations to be as fully understood as he can.]

My dad. The last time I saw him... that's what he said to me.

[it's tough for him to talk about, even now. but he thinks... maybe barnham could benefit from it, even if he's already trying to straighten up a bit.]

He... he knew I'd probably never see him again. And he never told me... I didn't think it meant anything back then, just. You know dad stuff. But...

[his gaze focuses, evening out a bit. it's difficult, but he can handle this aspect of things.] I get it now. And he was right. Keeping our heads up, our shoulders square. Doing the right thing for the people who can't do these things themselves.

...That's our job, right? A knight and a prince. To protect civilians... we have to walk tall, even when it really, really sucks to do.

[and it does. it sucks. he doesn't even call himself a king even though short of a coronation, that's exactly what he is.

it's fine.

they just need to carry on, even if they're in pain. the pain won't go away, and noct's not going to pretend it will for either of them. but there are still things left to be done. they still have a chance to save everyone, so they can't squander it.]

[The last words... of a king to a prince, and a father to a son. He's quiet for a long moment, considering that. It's their duty, just as Noct's said. To protect civilians, even when the situation is so stacked against them they can barely do anything. It's their duty even when they feel like they're crumbling.

It's their duty.

So they can't fall.

They must walk tall.

There was never any other option. Slowly, Barnham takes a deep breath, and then he lifts his fork and tries some of the soup. It tastes...strange. Foreign. It's nothing like he's ever tasted before but... it's something Noct brought, to bring him comfort, and he treasures that.]

Indeed. This is our duty. More than anything--tis our duty to protect everyone else here. Tis the duty we cannot forsake--no matter what.

[No matter how much it hurts.

He's quiet again for a moment, and then breathes out a wry breath.]

Thank you, Noctis. I believe...that was a sorely needed reminder.

[at least noct knows already how much it hurts. he's more than aware of that, which is why he's here right now.

and it's why he's saying these words.

in truth, noct does need to hear a bit of it for himself; he needs that reminder as well—though it's getting easier to listen to duty now. the stakes have gotten so high that he knows he really can't shirk even the smallest bit of his duty now.]

You... really don't have to thank me for this.

[because...]

I think I needed to hear it too.

... That you, too, needed the reminder does not lessen the fact that I owe you gratitude for it.

[Just accept it, Noct, Barnham's proper about these things.

As proper as can be.

Still... even if the atmosphere is still oppressive and he's still overwhelmed, he feels a little bit like it'll be okay.

They'll be okay. At least...they have a goal.]

... We shall be fine. [Both of them.

They'll carry on.]

Of this... I am certain.

[it's definitely too proper for his liking right now, but he knows there's really no stopping barnham anyway.

maybe he should just let the tension drain from his shoulders a bit and just...

well, slump.

he's exhausted in every single way, and while he has things he wants to tell barnham, now isn't the time for that. another day, assuming they have it—in the coming week, once they've had time to pick themselves up and move forward.]

Yeah.

[they have a goal, and noct already has some ideas and things he's interested in pursuing soon enough.]

This game... we'll find the way to end it.

[It's a start.

It's a good start, because right now, Barnham is equally exhausted. His faith in what's right has been shaken pretty badly over the past few weeks; even Russell, it turns out, killed someone.

So for now, he breathes out slowly, and he nods in response to Noct's words and he takes another bite of his weird, foreign soup, and he tries to remember how to breathe.

Constantine's going to jump up and curl up next to Noct, because he's a dog and pretty smart--he's been affected by the atmosphere too.

But as for Barnham... he just takes a moment to breathe.]

... This is still a town of good people. Nothing...that has happened can change that fact.

It simply has been...set up to break us, all along. And thus--I shall not allow it to change how I feel about those who are here.

[...]

Or those who are gone.

[noct is definitely okay with his canine company, taking time to pet constantine while he and barnham keep discussing this situation.]

That's... probably why it was like this at all, wasn't it? The people here, being good people, people who don't want to do that.

[not that he's inclined to believe everyone is wholly altruistic. they'd heard about people like simon, and the fact there were independent killers doing things outside of what the game required was telling enough of that.

but noctis does believe that the majority were good, and cornered into doing the worst. and he believes the majority of the people remain are just the same.

it's unfair, so barnham has a point in not letting it cloud their view entirely.]

Kind of feels like some sick irony or something.

Yes, I believe that is the case.

[As much as it sucks--he believes that they were chosen because it would make for greater "entertainment". He knows full well that they're better because they break...

But he hates to acknowledge it.

Acknowledging it would be accepting this little game, and he can't do that.]

... The realization does not help us much, I will admit. Even so, we must still deal with the crimes that have been committed.

But...perhaps there is room for compassion, amidst the honor we carry ourselves with.

[They may be murderers, but... everyone has been put into a corner, haven't they? Barnham grimaces--this sort of grey thinking is hard for him.]

None of it is just, right? We have to... just figure out for ourselves how we can do this. To.... figure out what's really right and wrong here.

[that grey sense of morality is tough for noctis, too. he's a good person, a person who doesn't want to see people die.

but if someone is having the safety of their entire world threatened, hinging on whether or not they pull the trigger on someone else, where does that fall? it's still wrong to kill that person, but if it's also saving millions of lives...

is it okay to take someone else's?

if they go on the belief that they'll find a way to reverse this, will that make it better?

they're questions that noctis doesn't have the answers to either, so it's not as if he can fault barnham for feeling just the same.]

I guess... it's kind of a good exercise is knowing things aren't always as black and white as they seem.

[that's kind of the lesson he's taking away from this, because even back home, weren't there people who'd do the same? of course there were.]

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